


This flame that won't die

by ca_te



Series: Slipping through time [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Episode Related, M/M, Romance, Spoilers: 4x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-08
Updated: 2011-12-08
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:17:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin isn't strong enough to push what he feels for Arthur away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This flame that won't die

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers from episode 9 season 4

He sees the light in Arthur’s eyes when he asks Gwen to marry him. it burns through him and leaves him gasping- the cold night air twirling in his lungs.

It’s not as if it is unexpected. He has known since the start that what he felt for Arthur was and would remain something that he had to keep for himself. There was no place where it could blossom, no way he could be the one to kiss Arthur goodnight, to hold his hand, to whisper “I love you” to him.

Still…still to realise that the time to abandon even that small and insignificant grain of hope has comemakes something go cold right at the centre of him.

When he notices that most of the time he can’t even bear to look at Arthur- his king, his friend- in the eye, Merlin isn’t strong enough to force himself to act normally around the other man. It’s childish and stupid, he knows that, but he also knows that the love he feels, the love he has nurtured despite everything over the years, is too cumbersome to push it away. It won’t disappear, it won’t stay silent. So it’s better to put some distance between him and Arthur, even though it makes him ache to do so.

Sometimes Merlin can feel the weight of Arthur’s questioning gaze on him, though, but Arthur doesn’t say anything and he swallows around the hard lump stuck in his throat as his feelings weight down on him a bit more.

If it’s hope that sparks somewhere dark inside of him when he thinks that Lancelot may steal Gwen away, he doesn’t show.

If he wants to hold Arthur close after he saw Lancelot and Gwen kissing, he simply digs his nails deeper in the flesh of his palms.

But when Arthur takes hold of his wrist when he is about to blow off the candle on the nightstand the day Gwen leaves Camelot, Merlin already knows that he is going to lose the battle.

When Arthur brings their lips together, Merlin melts into his kisses, even though they taste of desperation and tears. He lets go of every restraint giving himself to Arthur, even though being as one means to him thousand times more than Arthur could ever imagine.

If what he leaves on the white sheets of the royal bed the morning after is his beating heart, Merlin doesn’t let it show.

 

* * *


End file.
